Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

stay curious and stay the brave, strong, unrelenting soldier of love that you are.

By passing your GCSEs you prove that you’re not an idiot… But by passing your A levels you prove that you’re smart

Government does not create wealth. The major role for the government is to create an environment where people take risks to expand the job rate in the United States.

I'm not a very good actor, so I break character all the time.

Life means work, and hard work, if you mean to succeed.

As children, we are remarkably aware. We absorb and process information at a speed that we'll never again come close to achieving... we are learning about our world and its possibilities.

It's not that I don't believe in miracles, but I never quite trust that they're real.

If you don't back it up with performance and hard work, talking doesn't mean a thing.

There is no insurmountable solitude.

Good friends will share the umbrella. Best friends Will steal it and yell: RUN LOSER RUN!