Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Self discipline is the mother of success

I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.

Affection is invaluable. I will accept your heart as payment and change your mind.

Dear Jesus, do something.

If you force me to pay a debt that is not mine, let me thank you in the afterlife

Determining who the members of your audience are is the most important piece in the business puzzle.

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

I don't think anything might have been. What is, is.

Dogs and other animals - goats, donkeys, cows, a grumpy rooster - continue to change my writing life.

I remember thinking that the rest of my life would be solo. I wasn’t weepy when I thought that - it was just a realization that I had gone this long being self-sufficient.