Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

You really are a ray of sunshine, aren’t you?

The key to happiness is......to hide the damn key in a place that only you can access.

Every time I move I squash something said Loathesome.

By the end of this decade, a majority of our Navy and Air Force fleets will be based out of the Pacific, because the United States is and always will be a Pacific power.

You can't tell people how to feel when they read your work. You can only hope to connect.

And you know what it is? San Francisco a golden handcuff with the key thrown away.

I'd like to play live, but the thing I do now with my synthesizers, almost everything is vocoder-driven.

Books of quotations ... afford me one of the most undemanding but satisfying forms of reading pleasure.

If you care about your longevity and health, be a socially affiliated baboon who is better than high-ranking ones at walking away from provocations.

Before a revolution happens, it is perceived as impossible; after it happens, it is seen as having been inevitable.