Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Today is the most important day of your life. Enjoy it with all of your heart. Don’t worry about tomorrow, leave it for tomorrow.

Snow was the most beautiful thing Amitola had ever seen. It fell so gracefully and drizzled her skin like a cold whisper.

It is the theory which decided what can be observed.

From day one, I've always been a girly girl. In pre-school I loved driving around in my super Barbie car.

I can take anyone down at anytime; they can't take me down; no one can ride or turn me; I can control anyone.

Greatness comes through serving. The more you serve, the greater you become

Army Specialist Bradley Manning deserves a medal, not prison.

The universe doesn't allow perfection.

An attitude of philosophic doubt, of suspended judgment, is repugnant to the natural man. Belief is an independent joy to him.