Most monuments are not something you're going to keep me out of. And I go to a lot of monuments.

Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

You know the awkward class photo when you're sitting there for your school picture and you're 14 or something and you've got braces, and you don't know how to smile, and you've got a hard-on.

I've stolen a lot. Let me think about the best thing I've stolen. Stolen a lot of hearts.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I've seen Jaws [movie], like, 800 times. And I love it.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

Courage is the ability to execute tasks and assignments without fear or intimidation.

There are no temptations from which assailed virtue may not gain strength, instead of falling before them, vanquished and subdued.

I always think that I've embarrassed myself.

It's disgraceful that year after year, Congress has bowed to the tobacco lobby and refused to act.

Truth only needs to be for once spoken out; and there's such music in her, such strange rhythm, as makes men's memories her joyous slaves.

I can look at my books with pleasure from a distance. Four feet is close enough.

There are, above all, times in which the human reality, always mobile, accelerates, and bursts into vertiginous speeds. Our time is such a one, for it is made of descent and fall.

I remember having my tonsils out when I was fifteen and waking up crying historically but not being able to stop. That was quite strange.

Every atom is working and resisting every thought in the mind. Everything we see and know is but the resultant of these two forces.

The value of a good idea is in using it.