Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

The grace of life is gratefulness.

Free ourselves from fear, insecure and scared of others judgement and opinions. Build up with our own confident, self-esteem and self-satisfaction.Just be yourself for being better person.

The trouble with a baby, for writists, is that they take away your useful melancholy, even the energy to invent some.

PU'RIST: one superstitiously nice in the use of words.

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'

What's the third largest nation in the world after China and India? It's the Facebook nation - 430 million people on Facebook.

You know why I want to win? Because of 15,000 reasons inside of the tennis court.

Everyone's a millionaire where promises are concerned.

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.

I can't do all that riddly diddly stuff. I'm not good enough. It's all about not playing.