Most of us are animal lovers. We insist that we love all animals equally - the hamster, the weasel, and the zebra - but if pressed, we will admit to being either a cat person or a dog person.

In the future we'll all have 15 minutes of fame and 15 minutes of healthcare.

Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.

Can you envision a world without men? No wrongdoing and bunches of euphoric, fat women.

Mercy, it's the revolution and I'm in my bathrobe!

We all know how cats feel about traveling in a car. You never see a cat with his head out the window, fur flying in the breeze. A cat is never anyone's designated driver.

Getting old in America ... best to do it somewhere else.

Hi, this is Sylvia. I'm not at home right now, so when you hear the beep ... hang up.

My weight is always perfect for my height - which varies.

Dogs are joiners; if they were guys, their idea of a good time would be to attend an Elks luncheon.

Don’t try to be just a success

If it hurts, do it more frequently, and bring the pain forward.

Although you can download all the productivity apps in the world (and I have), no app will make you care about what you have to do like the Rule of 3. The rule is dead s

Deep down, it's all baseball, no matter what kind of geometrical shape you play it with.

I do think he hated him as one man will hate another who draws off the affection of a beloved.

He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts.

Non-violence is not a quality to be evolved or expressed to order. It is an inward growth depending for sustenance upon intense individual effort.

the most successful marriages were always based on both partners feeling that they had done rather well for themselves.

civilization is a transient sickness.

Don't you know that silence supports the accuser's charge?