Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I can't say I know at this moment what all these laws are. But on some level everybody knows that we are all getting exactly what we deserve.

it’s miraculous how the shallow can injure in such a profound way.

It is impossible to go through life without trust: that is to be imprisoned in the worst cell of all, oneself.

The future belongs to those who can rise above the confines of the earth.

If you aren’t even aware that the people in the organization disagree with you, then you are in trouble

It would be wonderful if I could see the end of civilization during my lifetime.

The writing life is a secret life, wither we admit it or not.

It takes our government an awful lot of time to do most things competently, and that's part of the problem here.

I like to come into my workspace and feel its a living environment and not frozen, which is why I often change or add to the pictures on the wall.

Comic books were telling me what life was about. This was how I kind of entered life, through fiction.