Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Sometimes you gotta laugh through the tears, smile through the pain so that you can live through the sorrow.

I don't ever remember having any bad times here in Pittsburgh.

Google Plus gives you the opportunity to be yourself, and gives Google that common understanding of who you are.

EA SPORTS has a strong partnership with adidas and through this relationship they approached adidas about using some of their top players from around the world.

The way to ensure summer in England is to have it framed and glazed in a comfortable room.

I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves "Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment."

It's difficult for most of us to be completely honest with ourselves - we hate to admit how vulnerable or needful we are.

Showing up fully exactly where you are is the fastest way to get where you want to go!

By the year 2000, most Americans will be online one way or another.

I'm pure geek, pure logic.