Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

What if obese people couldn't get married?

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

For me, humor is everything!

Whoever believed in Jesus Christ, shall be justified by faith in Son of God.

The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides.

So help me, if something crawls out of one of these bags, I will castrate you.”“I bet you’d love that.”-Emma and Jackson

The Book of Proverbs deals very hard blows against sluggards, and Christian ministers do well frequently to denounce the great sin of idleness, which is the mother of a huge family of sins.

I feel like every couple years MTV reinvents itself in some way, you know?

Emo is over, you can all go home now

Sleep with a dog and rise full of fleas.

Recognizing that something is wrong is the first step toward changing the world.

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you

Once your faith persuades you to believe what your intelligence declares absurd, beware, lest you likewise sacrifice your reason in the conduct of your life.