Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

[The Bible] warns us about “the little foxes, that spoil the vines” [Song of Solomon 2:15 KJV]. This is a picture of the way “little” sinscan destroy our fruitfulness for the Lord.

The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.

Drink does not drown care, but waters it, and makes it grow faster.

In Taiwan there's a saying: Raising a child is more important than giving birth. Raising a child is greater.

When we were doing Bullets over Broadway, he told me to be more fragile and I thought I was, but he saw it completely differently.

All pain is a punishment, and every punishment is inflicted for love as much as for justice.

A lot of the time, I won't read the script until my second or third audition just 'cause a lot of the scripts are the same and the characters are the same.

If you want to have a character who falls into crisis, all you have to do is turn the Internet off, and then we all understand how that feels, when you suddenly just have time and yourself.

A time will come when people will think I am a myth, or rather something the newspapers have made up.

Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy.