Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

For children are innocent and love justice, while most of us are wicked and naturally prefer mercy.

A journey of a thousand mile begins with a SMiLE

First of all, nothing good ever came from a beanbag chair. Nothing. I am speaking from personal experience.

For me to sit down here, even as a Nobel Laureate and make a prediction about which science I think that will be a mistake.

A just security to property is not afforded by that government, under which unequal taxes oppress one species of property and reward another species.

I exist not to be loved and admired, but to love and act. It is not the duty of those around me to love me. Rather, it is my duty to be concerned about the world, about man.

I've been buying the same lambrusco from Correggio [a town between Reggio-Emilia and Modena] since 1965.

Weak points or holes in the opponent's position must be occupied by pieces not Pawns

Today I am a small blue thing Like a marble or an eye

Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.