[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

If you open your eyes in the morning, it is just another day of opportunity to improve your Life!

We must speak truth to power and confront ignorance with facts.

And without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about the fact that fifty people were watching, Harry kissed her.

We were put to Dickens as children but it never quite took. That unremitting humanity soon had me cheesed off.

Women have been funny for years.

I like Jesus, I mean, I think he was a good guy.

I'm the No. 1 developer in New York, I'm the biggest in Atlantic City, and maybe we'll keep it that way.

Let's all pretend to be someone else, and then perhaps we'll find out who we are.

In the morning fix thy good purpose; and at night examine thyself what thou hast done, how thou hast behaved thyself in word, deed, and thought.

If life is not real, life is not earnest, and the grave is its goal, perhaps it's ridiculous t otake ourselves so seriously.