My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

As the helpless vampire watched the transformation, it started screaming. It was still screaming when his rows of razor sharp teeth sank into its throat.

I'm like my mother, she thought, I search my joy for signs of sorrow ahead.

Good fortune and talent are both ingredients of success, but like any recipe, they can be substituted with clever alternatives. The one irreplaceable ingredient I've found, however, is work.

Psychopaths are odd and rare and unique by themself... if they were writers, I bet in one that they will be the best...

I never use the word 'hero' in sports. Hero is way above 'star.' I save 'star' for sports. Sports is entertainment that's all it is.

Pain is a message, and you can choose to ignore that message.

Old age is never honored among us, but only indulged, as childhood is; and old men lose one of the most precious rights of man,--that of being judged by their peers.

It's really important for actors to feel that they're more than something for hire.

My wife Ricky is my muse. Her personal style and natural beauty have always been my inspiration.

Intellect is stronger than cannon.