My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.

She dreams more often than she sleeps

Hugs aren't like pieces of pie. Plenty of hugs to go around.

Let each of us examine his thoughts

Deep inside, I am desperate to do comedy.

People who truly follow the Way would do well to conceal the fact that they are Buddhists.

If we don't manage to find not just a compromise but a lasting peace agreement, we know perfectly well what the scenario will be. It has a name, it's called war.

... we in the light sometimes fear what is no more to be feared than the things children in the dark hold in terror and imagine will come true.

The only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.