My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

It is safer to face a strong enemy in the field of battle, than to fight a war by the side of a weak friend.

What makes a person a success is how they handle the lows in life and how they make their comeback.

My work stops at publication. If the books don't contain in themselves their reasons for being - questions and answers - it means I was wrong to have them published.

The true use of art is, first, to cultivate the artist's own spiritual nature.

It is a ridiculous notion to assert that because the United States is on the offense, more people want to hurt us. We are on the offense because people do want to hurt us.

When you're in your early 20s, you go ahead and do everything. And it's very hard to judge yourself.

Oh, it's not really gambling when you never lose.

If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light.

When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer, you beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live.

If you're going to learn a new language, you can't try to be perfect. You'll stop yourself from talking. You just have to let go.