My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

One day, I will look up and all the people I know will be dead or abroad.

The main purpose of life is not just to live, but to search within to discover your true positive self.

Mirrors are liars. They tell us what we expect to see.

The true perfection of man lies not in what man has, but in what man is.

When inspiration comes life is lived in the moment and peace descends. When inspiration leaves thoughts turn to violently killing time

He hath great neede of a foole, that plaies the foole himselfe.

The road is a long one from the projection of a thing to its accomplishment.

He is my brother. She is my sister. Come what will, they are my kin.

I really like Nicki Minaj. I think she's great.

A great deal of world politics is a fundamental struggle, but it is also a struggle that has to be waged intelligently.