My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times men would not stop to ask directions.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Significant change might require those who are now high in the hierarchy to move downward many steps. This seems to them undesirable and is resisted.

He was the best shot in India, and I expect that there are few better in London. Have you heard the name?''No, I have not.''Well, well, such is fame!

Do not have your concert first and tune your instruments afterwards. Begin the day with God.

There are many things that are unbelievable. Especially before breakfast, is it not? That is what one of your classics says. Six impossible things before breakfast.

I think the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals abused its power all day long.

Man unites himself with the world in the process of creation.

I'm a writer. I write not only for a living, I write because I'm a writer.

I truly believe that we have infinite levels of power that we don't even know are available to us.

Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows.

I never ride just to ride. I ride to catch a fox. I play baseball to make the team.