My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Small but growing is better than big and stuck.

It's quite enough to show a well-beaten dog the whip.

Every penny of the $7 billion going to Africa as per Obama will be stolen - corruption is rampant!

The health of the soul is as precarious as that of the body; for when we seem secure from passions, we are no less in danger of their infection than we are of falling ill when we appear to be well.

I've been writing in notebooks for 40 years or so.

Fredrick Buechner kind of loosened me up, hes got a little irreverency to him and I have a little too much reverancy.

Exactness of intention produces elegance of style.

I like to write music for fun. That's my hustle, my grind, my means of stayin' alive, and it's also my recreation, too.

Is there a God? If not, what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus' dad?