My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Christianity is living hope.

Don't halloo until you're out of the wood.

Why do you insist upon destroying yourself?

Creating great content that educates and informs is always the best marketing strategy.

Stressing and obsessing over your vision blocks it.

I don't mind gearing my life towards privacy. It's my nature.

Everyone has to kind of fend for themselves.

There is a mysterious stillness and intimacy of a woman doing her hair and make-up which attracts me.

It's no secret - if you know me, have ever met me or have shared a meal with me - that I'm a passionate environmentalist.

Don’t follow a model that doesn't work. If the recipe sucks, it doesn't matter how good a cook you are.