My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Yet I have come to believe that while the past is unchangeable, our perceptions of is are malleable...

Good things happen, bad things are done...

By the hairy balls of Jesus

You have no power at all if you do not exercise constant power.

God has such a deep reverence for our freedom that he'd rather let us freely go to Hell than be compelled to go to Heaven.

I've lived most people's dream by playing football.

He was born a politician. No, Ursula thought, he was born a baby, like everyone else. And this is what he has chosen to become.

Do exactly what you would do if you felt most secure.

Only the inner vision of God, only the God-blindedness of unreservedly dedicated souls, only the utterly humble ones can bow and break the raging pride of a power-mad world.

People are becoming more intimately acquainted with people who are different than them - it's not so unusual anymore.