My best friend is disabled. There's nothing he hates more than being left out of the jokes, to be treated with kid gloves. That's the insult.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

The monsters were never under our bed, but in the forest our future.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

I'm a rock 'n' roll guy, really. I'm a big fan of Elvis. I got "Heartbreak Hotel" tattooed on my chest.

Having members of the Bush administration actually sit down and discuss counter terrorism with the very countries that support terrorists is absurd.

This searching and doubting and vacillating where nothing is clear but the arrogance of quest. I, too, had such noble ideas when I was still a boy.

The American people probably aren't going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.

There is a road, no simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night, and if you go, no one may follow, that path is for your steps alone.

I like to incorporate all different elements into my music.

That has been challenging but also such a pleasure to branch out and do different things.

I was told I had brain damage. I always knew it was an unfair label. Now I have a clearer understanding of what's wrong and I feel relieved and a bit more relaxed about myself.