My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

All mental unhappiness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering

Keep making noise, I prayed, laughing. Bang drums. Clamor and ring bells for I cannot stand to hear the tired beating of this almost heart.

We like to know the weakness of eminent persons; it consoles us for our inferiority.

The most serious problem facing humankind is climate change.

Glamour is when a man knows a woman is a woman.

It's always interesting to see what judges do when their legal philosophy conflicts with their political views.

Kissing in front of the loveless is an act of cruelty.

As a leader you have to recognize that it all starts with you: your attitude, your commitment, your caring, your passion.

Familiarity breeds complacency.

I'm sure Proust was a big bore.