My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

It is the deepest of wrongs I am driven to write…. And losing you was one of them.

When I was growing up, my parents were almost involved in various volunteer things. My dad was head of Planned Parenthood. And it was very controversial to be involved with that.

The mind reels at the multiplication of books intended to justify the author's promotion from assistant to associate professor.

Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.

Eyes and ears are poor witnesses to people if they have uncultured souls.

I don't make a lot of money, but I get to have freedom.

I like movies I can relate to.

It takes courage for people to listen to their own goodness and act on it.

I try to exercise in nature, and I try to play golf once a month. The last time I played golf with my wife, however, she got better scores than me, which became an additional source of stress.

Rock stars get room keys, I get business cards.