My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

It's a very special talent that men have, to possess seeing eyes yet be so blind.

How could it ever be to our purpose to rob another living being of his or her purpose?

If you see a black family, it's looting, but if it's a white family they are looking for food.

Success feeds confidence.

The beauty of the sunbeam lies partly in the fact that God does not keep it; he gives it away to us all.

For a house, somewhere near Los Angeles I found an old church. Very old, no longer used. So we moved the church to the land, and I took off the steeple, and I got my hands dirty.

I know who I want to be with, and it isn't her. - Ryan

He who attends to his greater self becomes a great man, and he who attends to his smaller self becomes a small man.

Shallow sorrows and shallow loves live on. The loves and sorrows that are great are destroyed by their own plenitude.

I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me.