My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

He thought that he was sick in his heart if you could be sick in that place.

Never defend yourself, but define yourself with your imagination and actions.

Isn't your natural talent or an industry expert to succeed in ‪‎sales‬. It's how you explain your failures.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

The only thing on the mind of a shark is to eat.

My 'Idea of India' calls not just for tolerance, but a celebration of all points of view. Where the sensibilities of every individual are respected

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

I don't get tired. I get beat up. You keep chopping on a tree, you need to give the tree some rest so the chlorophyll will fill back up and the tree gets its energy back.

The wisdom of nations lies in their proverbs, which are brief and pithy.

Chase your dreams but always know the road that will lead you home again.