My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Would you like to hear about the fascinating things lizards can do if you chew off their tails?

It is better to risk saving a guilty person than to condemn an innocent one.

... and Lynn is dead inside, like a corpse. She Instagrams methodically, clinically, as if she's gathering evidence for defense, like her entire life is dedicated to proving that she has a life.

The things that happen in the night are hidden even from the night.

I would love to do comedy. I think I'm funny and that comedy is my strong suit, at least in real life. I have yet to prove myself in the movies, but I'd love to get the opportunity to do that.

It is better sometimes not to follow great reformers of abuses beyond the threshold of their homes.

When it comes to love, too many people are out to lunch.

No love or pity, pardon or excuse should soften the sharp pang of reparation for the guilty man.

In civilized societies, we spend our lifetimes trying to become what is socially acceptable. We're dark and we're light. We all have both sides to us.

If I could embed a locator chip in my child right now, I know I would do that. Some people call that Big Brother; I call it being a father.