My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion.'

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Book sense makes sense because someone has gone through it before and able to share it with you. Your job is to listen and discern.

The only difference between you and a dream is I haven’t woken up with you

Lack of luxury is not a reason to push others to poverty. ~ Michael A. van Doorn, Odyssey of a Heart, Home of a Soul

You make my heart shake bend and break

I've retired a couple of times. It's great, because you can just say, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I'm retired.'

When no one else signs me.

UFC 151 will be remembered as the event Jon Jones and Greg Jackson murdered.

It is the ability to determine consciously what it is that interests him, and why, that differentiates the artist from the art student.

If you don’t take responsibility for programming yourself, then someone else will.

Although I am ready to defend what I have said, many people expect me to defend what others have attributed to me.