My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Warriors respect each other. They give dignity to each other either in a win or in a defeat.

Grant made the perfect candidate, a war hero with indistinct views on most political issues.

There may not be much future for the kind of sports column I did.

Law is order, and good law is good order.

If you're taking care of your family and society and are comfortable you can start to think about helping those most in need globally. That's how we became engaged in those things.

The key question: will the NSA continue to monitor hundreds of millions of people without any suspicion? Under Obama's proposals: Yes.

I will always continue to make stupid action films but I think 'V For Vendetta' is a very smart film and I think that people will feel differently about things when they see it.

Complacency doesn't make sense for a guy trying to redefine normal.

Neil Kinnock's speeches go on for so long because he has nothing to say and so he has no way of knowing when he's finished saying it.