My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing 'Maria' from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up.

I immediately said yes for one reason and one reason only....Netflix rhymes with Wet Chicks.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

Hanukkah is...the festival of lights, instead of one day of presents, we get eight crazy nights

Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah, drink your gin and tonica.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

Of course, I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when youve had too much to drink. Oh, it could be so nice to grow old with you, I wanna grow old with you.

Some of us wear our hearts. Some of us carry them.

Real Love Spread Real Happiness!

To have great poets there must be great audiences too.

By the time the plane was airborne I'd forgotten England even existed.

The sinner does not feel any remorse over his sins, that is because his heart is already dead

I'm pretty opinionated sometimes although my political views change all the time, too. So I'm not very zealous.

I love you baby goodnight. There goes my life

From George Washington to George W. Bush, presidents have invoked God's name in the performance of their official duties.

It is comfort to the believer that all things are possible.

I'm against people reading statements. When you read statement, I automatically take it as though you can't talk, and it's not real.