My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired.

Please, understand that your life is bad and dreary!

I didn't do anything spectacular when I won the Open in 2001. I hit the ball good, not great. I putted good, not great, but I think I missed maybe two putts inside eight feet all week.

I absolutely get more comfortable in my body and my skin as I get older, more than when I was in my 20s.

The purpose of art is to bring people into presence.

If you want to change who you are, you have to change what you do.

I've loved my 20s, but I would never repeat them.

The final goal of all religions is to realise the essential oneness.

I know people can change-right down to my bones, through every cell, in every fiber of my body-I now that people can change. It is just a question of when and in what context.