My cranky cardiologist says I'm destined to die in the kitchen.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

They who lose today may win tomorrow.

There may not be much future for the kind of sports column I did.

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.

But the courts have dismissed the lawsuits against me and Lee Brown.

Did you play? It sounded very good.

For getting lean and trying to get toned, it's not about having a low weight and maximising as many reps as possible.

He who rides and keeps the beaten track studies the fences chiefly.

As a leader, it is vitally important that you keep in touch with your boss on a regular, sacrosanct basis. Chances are your boss can provide an aerial view that will make your path more clear.

Now, one cannot read nonsense with impunity.