My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The greatest bloodbaths in the history of the human race were recorded in the twentieth century in countries that sought to eliminate God, worship, and faith.

When you want really big money you usually find yourself talking to people who didn't go to Eton.

I am an atheist. I don't believe in Zeus.

You haven't lost anything when you know were it is. Death can hide but not divide.

Good prose is written only face to face with poetry.

The man who has never made a mistake will never make anything else.

Sincere apologies are for those that make them, not for those to whom they are made.

Bad Gardens copy, good gardens create, great gardens transcend.

If you want to enjoy intimacy, you must learn to enjoy pain.

There are moments when art attains almost to the dignity of manual labor.