My dad named me after Hannibal Barca, the Carthaginian general who attacked Rome. But nobody knows about him.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

Since we are destined to live out our lives in the prison of our minds, it is our duty to furnish it well.

Whenever I find a great deal of gratitude in a poor man, I take it for granted there would be as much generosity if he were a rich man.

Golf is a spiritual game. It's like Zen. You have to let your mind take over.

I think that I had better go, Holmes." "Not a bit, doctor. Stay where you are. I am lost without my Boswell.

Dear me, how I love a library.

When you're older, you'll appreciate the advantages of sleeping alone.

Do your worrying before you place your bet, not after the wheel stops turning.

I think the best answer is as little as possible.

Death likes it when you play hard to get.

As I was saying, half a democracy is showing up and people have got not only to agree with this agenda, some of these third parties listeners, they've got to show up.