My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Only the dead have seen the end of war.

You may be born thousands of years from now, but over the boundaries of time I am sending you my love and wishing you a joyful and wonderful life.

Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do.

None of Us is as Good as All of Us.

Those who have been eminent in philosophy, politics, poetry, and the arts have all had tendencies toward melancholia.

When you do not know how to focus your thoughts effectively, they can become scattered, miscellaneous, and fixated on "stuff negative notions, toxic relationships, and situations from the past."

[T]he more one is conscious of one's political bias, the more chance one has of acting politically without sacrificing one's aesthetic and intellectual integrity.

What do we, as a nation, care about books? How much do you think we spend altogether on our libraries, public or private, as compared with what we spend on our horses?

Salvation cannot come without revelation. Men of the present time testify of heaven and hell, and have never seen either; and I will say that no man knows these things without this.

The thing of playin' and singin' never bothered me.