My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

You can make a difference in another person's life and not realize it, just by giving them One Moment of your time, One Memory to recall, One Motion that tells them they are not alone! OM!

The people is always expressive of the truth. The life of a people cannot be a lie.

Beware of allowing a tactless word, a rebuttal, a rejection to obliterate the whole sky

You can't control the length of your life. You can control the depth

People must help one another; it is nature's law.

I've experienced many hardships‚ but mentally‚ I've always been older‚ and that reflects in my actions‚ too.

It's not easy to have the job of president. It's not easy to run for it. And it's not a job for the feint of heart.

I don't like to call myself a feminist writer. I say I'm a feminist, but I don't write to propagate an ism.

Who is the Forgotten Man? He is the clean, quiet, virtuous, domestic citizen, who pays his debts and his taxes and is never heard of out of his little circle.

Villains, vipers, damn'd without redemption; Dogs, easily won to fawn on any man; Snakes in my heart-blood warm'd, that sing my heart; Three Judases, each one thrice worse than Judas.