My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

What families have in common the world around is that they are the place where people learn who they are and how to be that way.

The great advantage of a hotel is that it's a refuge from home life.

There are three stages: Thoughtless being. Thought. Return to thoughtless being.

There is not economy in getting cheap service or equipment. Buy the best and cry only once.

I have learned that everything is an opportunity for spiritual enrichment.

It's a shame that we have to use whatever leverage we have in Congress to get the president to deal with the biggest problem confronting our future. And that's our excessive spending.

I have nothing to hide in art. The initial force alone can bring anyone to the end he must attain.

Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex, and vital.

The breeze of grace is always blowing on you. You have to open the sails and your boat will move forward.

My body is the fruit of spirits' play.