My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Western police officers are an arguably corrupt group of people that have rigged the system to make them almost untouchable.

Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work.

I don't really go mountain biking per se, like a proper sport.

There aren't any moral victories.

John Ashcroft is not a patriot, John Ashcroft is a descendant of Joseph McCarthy.

That's the great thing about the 'Sin City' movies. Each little slot is incredibly meaningful, and each character has their own moment.

Literature is by definition opinionated. It is bound to provoke the arguments in many quarters, not excluding the hometown or even the family of the author.

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

I'm not jumping into anything fast. I'm an actor that likes to choose my work and there's an element of good taste to my work.

It's always push and pull with a record company.