My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.

Father or stepfather - those are just titles to me. They don't mean anything.

I find Cambridge an asylum, in every sense of the word.

It is superfluous to be humble on one's own behalf; so many people are willing to do it for one.

I saw a point that shone with light so keen, the eye that sees it cannot bear its blazing; the star that is for us the smallest one would seem a moon if placed beside this point.

To get something you must give something away. To hold something you must give something away. To love something you must give something away.

I don't have a great talent for explaining myself in acting because I can't explain it.

A word to the wise is -- unnecessary.

To try to fashion something from suffering, to relish our triumphs, and to endure defeats without resentment: all that is compatible with the faith of a heretic.

The creative man with an insight into human nature, with the artistry to touch and move people, will succeed. Without them he will fail.