My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

There is always a need for a visionary man your vision will make you relevant in the scheme of men and your relevance will birth the needed money depending on the level of your functional-ability.

Life goes on and on after one's luck has run out. Youthfulness persists, alas, long after one has ceased to be young.

She'd lived in the same house with this man and never once thought about his thighs in the last year.

Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? There is more hope of a fool than of him.

I wouldn't give one iota to make a trip from the cradle to the grave unless I could live in a competitive world.

Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference.

By honoring your words you are honored in this world.

Life is not meant to be a burden. Life is not a problem to be solved. It is a blessing to be celebrated.

Everyone knows the best volume of the encyclopedia is the one with ships-S.

I've always been very skeptical about marriage, because I only want to do it once; I want to do it the right way.