My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Every actor looks all his life for a part that will combine his talents with his personality... 'The Odd Couple' was mine. That was the plutonium I needed. It all started happening after that.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

There's no such thing as 'too late!' That's why they invented death!

Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.

My mother paid eight dollars a month for rent. When she had it. Mostly we were evicted, because she couldnt afford to pay the eight dollars a month.

We're writing a book together. She just finished one. Did you read it? Among the Porcupines?

Get out of show business. Its the best advice I ever got, because Im so stubborn that if someone would tell me that, I would stay in it to the bitter end.

I never worked with Marilyn Monroe, but if she'd lived, I think she would have been all right. She would have been President of the United States.

He who knows ignorance well shall least know understanding well

The one thing that the racist can never manage is anything like discrimination: he is indiscriminate by definition.

Impact is rewarding. Mattering makes us happy.

The comic impulse is sometimes a reaction to sadness. You feel like you can make one choice or the other.

I can almost see what Gabriel meant when he asked, 'What has the free world got that you can’t get here?' Almost. Freedom, Gabriel. That’s what you can’t get here.

… for nightinggales - we know - can’t live on fairytales.

There's no satisfaction without a struggle first.

The test of a quarterback is where his team finishes.

Consider how wool is turned into an elegantly designed carpet by coming into contact with an intelligent person.