My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

But if I am young, thou shouldest look to my merits, not to my years.

I will never hurt you.

The Russian soul is a dark place.

You want to know the hardest thing about being smart? What? I pretty much always know what's going to happen next; there's no suspense.

I write scripts by myself. It's not for everybody. It's someone's personal work. I need to be in love with the subject.

Some men hunger so much for love that they lose everything that is loveable about them.

With extramarital courtship, the deception was prolonged where it had been ephemeral, necessary where it had been frivolous, conspiratorial where it had been lonely.

Think beyond the pain. Think beyond the difficulty. Commit to having one good idea every day. What new idea will you claim today?

There's no doubt that I do have extremes of mood that are greater than just about anybody else I know.

Economic distress, political pressure, and social obloquy already drive us from our homes and from our graves. The Jews are already constantly shifting from place to place.