My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

What if obese people couldn't get married?

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

For me, humor is everything!

Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'

For what avail the plough or sail Or land or life if freedom fail?

For a creative writer possession of the 'truth' is less important than emotional sincerity.

A man separated from his reflective belt is no man at all.

If your work is deathwork, one weapon is not enough, just as a plumber would not answer an urgent service call with a single wrench.

These days I can't tell what I really feel.

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.

If Raymond Chandler came from the South, his name would be Ace Atkins.

I don't know how many people really knew who I was before the Olympics and that's the fun thing of the Olympics - you get to know someone who captures your heart, hopefully.

I don’t throw cell phones. I don’t hurt people, I only hurt myself.

There was definitely a lack of any sort of villain in the Clinton era, which is why when Columbine happened, it was easy to pick on me. My face was around and it made good TV.