My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

Never leave a job unfinished, unless you are unable to finish it.

On a hairpin turn, above the dead forest, on no day in particular, a white Toyota crashed into a black Mercedes, for a moment blending into a blur of gray.

I do dig the White Stripes. I like the record they have out now.

As long as we can remember them, our families will always be with us.

You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, with four hungry children and a crop in the field.

I love challenging the notion that, in order to be a tech founder, you have to be holed up in a dark room wearing a T-shirt and baggy jeans.

There's something about cats' self-sufficiency and their seemingly individualistic ways that I find compelling.

How I choose to look at any situation will greatly affect whether I have the power to change it or make matters worse.

I am an old man but in many senses a very young man. And this is what I want you to be, young, young all your life.

Politics is for people who have a passion for changing life but lack a passion for living it.