My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Be honest with yourself, face your feelings and what they really mean, then you will be able to deal with them and move on.

There are no old people nowadays they are either "wonderful for their age" or dead.

With any luck, by the time NASA's space probe hits Pluto, you'll be booking a spaceflight with a privately run suborbital airline.

Don't be sorry. Just try not to let him touch you. When he touches you I see red. I can't take it. I don't want to see him or anyone else touch you

I dislike an eye that twinkles like a star. Those only are beautiful which, like the planets, have a steady lambent light, are luminous, but not sparkling.

Bev Pettersen writes with flair and a down-to-earth warmth that will make you smile and sigh with contentment.

I'd be flattered if someone said that my work is "too weird" for them. I value the uncompliment.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

I worry a lot about taking care of my dependents, all those perfectly ordinary middle-class preoccupations.

I believe we are all geniuses-each in our own unique way.