My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Life can only be live with great courage.

As your father keeps clean his lamp to have good light, so keep clean your spirit.

I'm too busy thinking what I'm going to say next to remember what I've said, but my staff tells me I'm sometimes funny. Not always on purpose, though.

The good news is that we are Buddha. The bad news is that all beings are Buddha. The sickness of being human is the sickness of wanting to be unique.

Every learner has special needs.

You cannot go with God and stay where you are.

Folks are obviously reluctant to do things that they don't feel comfortable with, and the conservative nature of the state is such that they can understand property rights.

My favorite show from the '60s was 'Combat.' And maybe 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E.'

When you finally figure out what you really want, everything else pales in comparison.

All the religious wars that have caused blood to be shed for centuries arise from passionate feelings and facile counter-positions, such as Us and Them, good and bad, white and black.