My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

There are two forces at work in the world: the power of light and the power of darkness.

If you think you’re worthless, you’re not - but your limiting self-beliefs are. Change them.

Artist must have an all-or-nothing attitide. Otherwise they will bite his head off and there will be no artist.

She wanted to live, and live fully, and to give life, she who loved life! What was the good of existing, if you couldn't give yourself?

God does not stop at rescuing us; the purpose of that rescue is to enjoy fellowship with us.

They say that politics is show business for ugly people, but as I always crack, what would I know about that? I like a challenge

A proud person is so busy looking down on others they cannot humble themselves to look up at God.

The consolation of art comes in many forms... For some it is making, for others it is having.

Ronnie Barker was a straightforward man who had this extraordinary ability to make the nation laugh

Everything comes at a price. Everthing in your life. The question you have to ask yourself is, what price are you willing to pay?