My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Avoid the stage of old age sit in the audience, it's all the rage

The jungle is alive. It’s dangerous as a living nightmare and brimful of hostility.

He thought to himself that there could be no greater torture in the world than at the same time to love and to contemn.

A solid answer to everything is not necessary. Blurry concepts influence one to focus, but postulated clarity influences arrogance.

Good design is thorough down to the last detail - Nothing must be arbitrary or left to chance. Care and accuracy in the design process show respect towards the consumer.

In a professional kitchen, the idea is to have your cooks not moving much while theyre cooking. You want them to stay in the same spot.

If I had to put a percentage on it - I'd say not likely.

My mentality is like a Samurai: They used to every day work on their technique to make themselves almost perfect. Because perfection is impossible, but every day, you get closer to perfection.

Sleep is perhaps the only among life's great pleasures which need not be of short duration.

The more you extend kindness to yourself, the more it will become your automatic response to others.