My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I don't want to see him alone. He says things that annoy me. He gives me good advice.

... plunged into chance, --that is to say, swallowed up in Providence

Where is the politician who has not promised to fight to the death for lower taxes- and who has not proceeded to vote for the very spending projects that make tax cuts impossible?

There's this shop in New York I go to it has bones and fossils and insects that are like works of art. I have a few on my wall.

He who dallies is a dastard, He who doubts is damned.

Nursing is one of the Fine Arts: I had almost said, the finest of Fine Arts.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

Whatever you wear, you have to own it. Make it yours.

You want to know a little about a lot.

I don't do drugs. I am drugs.