My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

We are way less likely to love someone just because they love us than we are to hate someone just because they hate us.

Education is the key which opens the magical door of wisdom which reveals the beauty and purpose of life.

…after all, what is a planet but an island in space?

To lose the approbation of my dog is a thing too horrible to contemplate.

To what base ends, and by what abject ways, Are mortals urg'd through sacred lust of praise!

When we're each aware of our own Magnificence, we don't feel the need to control others, and we won't allow ourselves to be controlled.

I had surprisingly little money when Wham! ended. You'd be very surprised how little, really, because you don't realize how much money it takes to maintain a band.

The eye may see for the hand, but not for the mind.

it's impossible to conquer all fear and loss by preparation. There are always sources of desolation that aren't taken into account because no one knows what they will be.

Stern duties need not speak sternly. He who stood firm before the thunder worshipped the still small voice.